Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
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“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
all that yoga finally paid off
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.