“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
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A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.