Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Fight
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
This will never not be funny to me.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Steam Forums
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???