Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
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Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
lmfao come on
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]