@krispythehuman: How to use eyeliner: 1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids 2. Oops too thick, try to even them out 3. Colour your whole face in

@Brentweets: Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

@UncleDuke1969: Wife: You were right. Me: Say it again. Wife: You were right. Me: Again. Wife: You were right. Me: One more time. Wife: You wer- *wakes up*

@GrillinChillin9: You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.

@ZaynabHashem2: 2017 whatsapp notification: Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you