“Ninja please” -Japanese people
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work