[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Spring cleaning checklist…
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I wanna be friends with this person
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.