No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
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a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever