No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
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I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list