@NeinQuarterly: No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
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@flashember: WIFE: This is dumb. DAUGHTER: This is so stupid. ME: This is getting out of hand! THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I'M LEAVING
@_ElizabethMay: *peels sticker off webcam* Me: i know my searches seem suspicious, but they're not. FBI agent in the webcam: you're looking up the best way to dismember and dispose of a body. Me: I'm a writer. FBI agent: *quiet for several minutes* The answer is pigs. Me: *replaces sticker*
@: Me: Any news? Doctor: I'm just waiting for your x-ray. Me: But I've never dated anyone called Ray. Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.