no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
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Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
🙂🙃🥹
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea