“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen