my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
You Might Also Like
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Yup
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse