My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.