I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Not today