@bazecraze: "No. Delete it." -Mona Lisa
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@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ: Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
@stephenjmolloy: Chief cop: "This might be racially motivated." Ian: "Hate crime?" Chief cop: "We all hate crime, Ian. That's why we are cops."
@rose24_em: 21st century divorce: I want it stipulated that he can't change the Netflix password.
@Discourt: My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn't let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.