“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
This hospital has everything
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house