“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
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Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Social Media and Real life
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood