No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”