“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
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Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video