i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses