No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
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HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Mhm.