No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
You Might Also Like
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
The glockness monster
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.