@Donna_McCoy: No honey, there isn't a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
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@jake_likes_naps: [astronaut test] Before you begin, questions? [hand raised] "Is it true the moon is cheese?" Are you that damn mouse again? [mouse runs out]
@GrantTanaka: me: [banging head on wall] wife: honey is something wrong me: [sobbing] I'M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
@Brianhopecomedy: I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it's because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
@Ygrene: yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
@josh___grant: My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
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