No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
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I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Can. I. Help. You.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.