No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
You Might Also Like
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*