Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
You Might Also Like
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
The Struggle
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
A drum solo but on your face.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos