@danjan13: No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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@Kyle_Lippert: "What do we call this war?" "The World War?" "No. There's already been 1 of those" "Uh this is a world war, too" *the streetlights explode*
@shawnries: Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
@SatansTongue: *Meninist meeting* WOMEN ARE EVIL- *phone rings* Uhh just a second... *picks up phone* Mom not while I'm doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.
@Sean_Burgundy_: Apparently "Which one?" wasn't the best answer when my gf's dad asked me "What are your intentions with my daughter?"