@danjan13: No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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@Sickayduh: DAD: I want a steak. HER: Eat this chicken instead. It's healthy. DAD: No it isn't. It's dead.
@weismanjake: I wonder if celebrity couples have a list of 5 average citizens each of them are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the chance
@daemonic3: INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents? ME: I taught myself how to play piano INTERVIEWER: By ear? ME: No, just with my hands