No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
there will never be a funnier headline than this one