NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.