No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
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When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint