No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
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Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.