My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
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Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Important reminders
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you