“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
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Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Ah yes. The three genders
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison