No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
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[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
dogs can find happiness so easily
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.