No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
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ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
The point of your 20s
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.