NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
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The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
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Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.