NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
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cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”