Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
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“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly