People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I鈥檓 just on my own I鈥檓 pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I鈥檓 pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I鈥檓 often found with chips
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
can鈥檛 catch a break
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Boss: if you don鈥檛 know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn鈥檛 a solution
Me: what do you mean?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 馃様
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It鈥檚 at 4 am and he鈥檚 naked, but still
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.