No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
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Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.