No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
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Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)