No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
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Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back