No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
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[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
THIS HEADLINE
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no