@LittleMissZesty: No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don't be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I've been burping bubbles for days.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [alien wobbles out of spacecraft] "Take me to your leader" [30 minutes later] Me: So, this is my wife...
@truegritrumble: WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti? ME:Better. WIFE:Better? ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
@Goofpoops: Someone on Facebook posted "Having the BEST DAY EVER!!" So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments