No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
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Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Sheep
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.