No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
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BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
How can I say no to this ?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?