@shariv67: No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You've gotta respect that.
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@krisv_723: Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big? Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don't talk.
@EndhooS: [1st day as a paramedic] me: can you point to where it hurts cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
@WhatsHerFace33: A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed! Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
@ShanaRose21: After reading some marriage tweets I'm beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.