No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
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Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
That time Alicia messaged me
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.