No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
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Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
idk what this dog had been going through but same
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.