No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
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If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Best mom ever 😂
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too