@ThePocketJustin: No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me
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@bazecraze: If you're thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
@ArfMeasures: HER: You've run over my dog ME: I'm so sorry HER: You're gonna have to replace him ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
@MavenofHonor: On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
@iwearaonesie: How much longer? Did you bring any snacks? They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet? - me watching my kids Christmas pageant