@ThePocketJustin: No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me
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@ibid78: "Sir your résumé says you can read minds." "Yup. And you're thinking 'Why would he put that on a résumé?'" "Oh. My. God. You're hired."
@lovemydogduck: My Phone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways
@stephenjmolloy: CEO of KFC: "We must always respect our customers. That is so important." Ian: "Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?" CEO: "Yes."
@CherBear162: An example of men's inability to understand women - Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!