No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
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My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*