No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
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If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it