No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
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I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Care for your back
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.