no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
#math
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight