Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
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I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Happy Thanksgiving
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
*launders Kohls cash*
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.