No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle